Alex and Vict: It was all okay
by RiderForEver17
Summary: Second One Shot in the "Knowing Better" series or, also known as: the one where someone says 'I love you' for the first time and Alex finally lets go of his past... kind of. Also, Alex talks to himself in this one, a lot.


**Oh my, people… prepare for a little roller coaster of emotions here. This takes place just one month after the epilogue scene in "Does he know better?"**

**Without wanting to give too much away, here are some ****WARNINGS****: there is some strong language here, more than usual for me. Also, mentions of past sexual abuse and it's implications. Then, towards the end things get heated, like, reeeeally heated. It's M rated for a reason folks!**

**Anyway, more notes at the end of it! **

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**One shot: It was all okay**

From the moment he opened his eyes, Alex just knew that that day wasn't going to go well for him.

He woke up panting, gasping for breath and dripping wet from a sweat that had nothing to do with the warm july weather.

He glanced at the clock. 3:27 a.m. _Great_.

He rested a hand on his forehead, willing his heartrate to slow down. He was supposed to be over this! He sighed. He wouldn't be going back to sleep any time soon.

Last year it hadn't been that bad, Alex thought as he got up from the bed and reached for his phone. The date was right. But this time it felt different. Last year he'd tried not to think about it, he'd tried to forget it, pretend it never happened. Now things were different.

Over the past half year he'd have to come face to face with his fears and somehow find a way to live through them. Except it wasn't exactly a face to face confrontation, was it? No. For that, he would've had to come face to face with the source of the problem himself and that's not something he'd had the opportunity to do.

Somedays, the good days, he managed to forget his name, even his face for a few hours, but not a day went by where he didn't wonder what had become of him.

Serhiy Gryglewicz.

He'd never talked about it with Ben, his therapist or, God forbid, Vict, but he'd always had this urge to look him up and see what he'd find, to learn more about him. Something he had denied himself for the past two years now.

Two years… it was certainly long enough ago to safely appease his curiosity, right?

_Right_.

Alex flung the covers aside and reached for his laptop resting on the desk, he wiped the sweat from his forehead and turned it on.

_Breathe, breathe._

He typed in the words, holding his breath despite his own advice.

12.780 results.

First link.

_Serhiy Gryglewicz_

_Age: 49_

_Occupation: businessman_

_Serhiy Gryglewicz, one of the most important businessman of the country has risen_

_quickly from the shadows and into the public light. With expanding companies, Gryglewicz has begun to conquer other contries in Europe, wich include Germany, Austria, France, England-_

He stopped reading. The thought of that- that monster having business here, in England, was too much to bear.

_Go back, click back. Images. Click._

He enlarged a photograph and couldn't hold back a gasp when the face he'd had so many nightmares about stared back at him from the screen. Alex's heart was hammering in his chest. Why did he feel the need to look him up? To see again the man who had... who had violated him?

He picked another picture and there he was, smiling while shaking someone's hand. Not just someone, though. The picture read it was Kiev's chief of police. He remembered Ben saying the man had the police department in his pocket. Disgusting.

Another picture. Serhiy inaugurating a building. Some foundation or another.

Alex kept scrolling down.

There he was getting out of a car. There he was again walking into a building. How could he be so famous and yet no one even suspected what he did? Did he do it regularly or had Alex been the first one? Given how things had played out, his _training_, Alex thought it was safe to say he hadn't been the only one.

Down

Down

Down. There were hundreds of pictures.

Serhiy with a bunch of police officers.

Serhiy with a celebrity.

Serhiy wearing a suit.

Serhiy doing sports.

Serhiy surrounded by children.

Serhiy-

_Wait. Go back, go back._

The man was at the entrance of a school, surrounded by children of all ages, laughing and holding a few of them closer to him in an embrace. Alex could see the faces of the kids: innocent, laughing, unsuspecting. And one of the older ones, around his age when he was... when he was... _and how can he stand there? Acting like he cares for them when all he likes is to- what if he's taken any of those children? What if he's done with them the things he did with me? I'm sure I wasn't the only one. Why is he still free? I didn't do anything to stop him. No one did. He's free. He has them. Kids. Just kids. He's gonna hurt them and I didn't do anything, I just laid there. The kids. How many has he had? Ruined, broken. Killed? What if he's killed them? What if they're with him? Those kids. Just kids. What if-? How can-? He- free- here. He's not- why did- stop stop stop!_

Alex gasped and shut the laptop closed. He pressed his hands against his eyes while trying to control his breathing.

_I'm fine. I'm fine. I have two arms and I have two legs. I can talk. I can walk. I'm fine._

_But they're not. _Said a little voice at the back of his head.

"Jesus" he whispered, getting up from the bed and pacing around his room.

How could he had been so selfish? He'd never thought about the possibility of Serhiy taking other kids. What if there were a lot of missing persons reports that matched the children surrounding him in that picture? What if by never accusing him, pressing charges, he'd just doomed whoever he took after him? _I just ran. I just ran and hid like a coward_-

_Stop it! It wasn't your responsibility_, he told himself.

_Maybe it was.._.

He glanced at the small clock on his bedside table. 4:35 a.m. Was it too early to go for a run?

_Who cares?_

He needed to do something.

Ten minutes later he was out the door, running down the stairs and setting a punishing pace that took him way beyond his usual mark and allowed his mind a reprieve from the dark thoughts circulating in it.

Alex forced himself to think about his breathing and only that. Breathe in once, breathe out twice. Breathe in once, breathe out twice. Nothing else mattered right now.

_Except the children_, he thought. _The children, their parents, their lives, their innocence, their future..._

He stopped abruptly, heaving breaths and resting his hands on his knees. He felt nauseated. He should keep moving though, walking forward or else he risked getting dizzy. Ending an excercise so abruptly was never good.

He straightened up and noticed for the first time the sun was already up. How long had he been running for? In the hurry to start moving, he hadn't taken his watch or his phone.

He sighed and turned to head back home.

He couldn't say the run had managed to clear his troubling thoughts, but at least it had taken care of his restless energy.

When he walked back into the apartment, he cursed his rotten luck.

"What are you doing up so early?"

"Good morning to you too" Ben answered with a hint of sarcasm. He tended to sleep in on sundays and Alex had been counting on that to have time to compose himself without having to worry the older man about him "I'm making breakfast. Want anything in particular?"

"Not hungry" he muttered and tried to head for the safety of his room.

"You just ran a marathon, given the way you're sweating. You're eating something"

"I ate before" he lied, quickening his steps now that Ben was on his tail.

"Yeah, but you know you also have to eat after you run"

"Jeez Ben, I'm not hungry right now. Give it a rest!" he slammed the door to his room shut.

"Oookay" Ben answered reluctantly "You have an hour!" he yelled, making Alex sigh through the door.

An hour to cool himself down or risk facing the wrath of a worried brother.

Normally it wouldn't even take that long for him to calm down after a stressful situation. Today he wasn't so sure.

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He ended up eating more than he could stomach to ensure Ben would let him borrow the car. Not for the first time, Alex cursed the fact he couldn't just walk a few blocks to see Vict whenever he wanted. Now he had to rely on Ben's car and public transportation.

"I need it tomorrow to go to work, so don't stay the night!" Ben had yelled while he walked out the front door, freshly showered and eaten. Alex didn't think he could wait until nightfall anyway.

While he'd been showering, he'd gotten this frightening urgent need to be with Vict that he couldn't shake no matter how much he tried to convince himself that today just wasn't the right day to be wanting _that_. He decided to throw caution aside though and just follow his instinct, and his instinct was taking him to Vict.

It was getting closer to noon, on a sunday, Alex figured the other boy must have just woken and, sure enough, sleep was written all over his face when he answered the door.

"Hey" Vict said, who would've sounded surprised if it wasn't for the yawn stealing his words away for a second "I though we were meeting later?"

"Is it okay if we hang now?" Alex asked, not wanting to impose himself if Vict wanted to be alone. But the older boy smiled and reached for him, pulling on his shirt to give him a peck on the lips and close the door behind him.

"Just let me get changed"

Alex stood awkwardly next to the front door, not sure exactly what he wanted to do or how to approach the subject. He sat on the couch.

A few minutes later Vict sat next to him with a bowl of cereal in one hand and the remote on the other one, turning on the blank tv Alex had been staring at.

"You hungry?" Vict asked around a mouthful.

"Ugh, no. I've eaten plenty today" it was Alex who started surfing through the channels.

"Sooo, what's up?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've got that face you put on when you're thinking too much about something, plus you're here early and you look tired. Trouble sleeping?" Alex stared at him dumbfounded. Had Vict gotten that good at seeing through him or was it just too easy to see through him nowadays? Great, now that was another thing to add to his list of worries. He sighed and rested his head back, staring at the ceiling.

"I realized something today" there was no point denying that something was up now.

"What's that?"

"I'm selfish" he confessed, turning his head to the right to see Vict's reaction. He should've expected it.

"You seriously need to stop overanalyzing yourself" but Alex just stared at him, waiting for more. Vict sighed "why on earth would you think you're selfish?"

"I'm... I'm so caught up in all the bad things that have happened to me that I've pushed the rest of the world out of my mind" Vict frowned.

"You're not caught up in yourself. You care about other people too, right? Ben and his friends. Me?" Vict tried to reason with him, setting his now finished cereal bowl on the coffee table.

"But what about the rest of the world? Shouldn't other people matter to us too?" he was beginning to sound way too philosophical. Vict looked like he was thinking his answer carefully.

"I think the world would be a better place if we all mattered to each other, but that's impossible" after a beat of silence, Alex spoke again.

"If you were in a position to do something about it, to... I don't know, _help_ people, wouldn't you be obligated to do it?" and hadn't Crawley said something like that the last time he'd seen him? _It would be irresponsible of you to deny your country the skill set you can offer. It is our duty to serve our country when we can_.

"I guess if you can, sure, but not at your own detriment" Vict shrugged and Alex felt him reach for his hand.

"What brought this all on?" Alex just smiled and shook his head.

"I've just been pensive today. Don't worry about it" Vict looked like he wanted to press the matter but relented when Alex asked what he'd liked to do next.

"Uhh, I don't know. Movie, popcorn, cuddling?" Alex laughed.

"Sounds like a plan"

Alex wasn't paying attention to the movie.

They were laying on Vict's bed, the bowl of popcorn long finished on the floor, and Alex couldn't stop thinking about his predicament. Maybe searching for Serhiy hadn't been such a good idea because now he had all those images stuck in his head and all the memories were coming back to the surface unwanted. Some random movie wasn't gonna be enough of a distraction. He needed something else.

He touched the screen of the tablet Vict was holding to check how much time the movie had left. Half an hour yet. Too much.

He looked up from were his head was resting on Vict's shoulder.

"Question" he called and when Vict turned his head, Alex caught his lips on a kiss. He continued to kiss his neck when Vict had to break apart for air. The older boy put the tablet aside and turned to face him "Is that a yes?" Alex asked.

"Oh yeah" Vict captured his lips again.

They were both panting in a matter of minutes, shirts already taken care of. It wasn't every day that Alex initiated their times together and he was thrilled that Vict was responding in kind.

Soon they were both naked, kissing and licking and grabbing. They'd gotten better at that sort of thing, teasing. _Alex_ had gotten better. But even though he was enjoying himself enough, there was still something at the back of his mind that always made him hold back. It was as if he was still afraid that the wrong move or the wrong touch would send him back on all the progress he'd made. He could tell Vict felt that way too.

Every time they were together Vict was always so careful, so gentle. So, so slow. Alex didn't want to have to be so careful all the time. And it was all because of _him_.

Suddenly, he got an idea.

He'd been straddling Vict's hips, panting into the other boy's neck while they frotted against each other, when he got down from his place on top of Vict and laid down on his side, his back to him. He looked back and reached for Vict to invite him closer. The older boy stared in confusion for a moment before snaking an arm around him and pressing their bodies together once more. They'd never done this before. Vict had never been inside him entirely from behind. Today they were gonna change that.

If Vict had helped him accept his body as much as he had, doing with him things he never thought he'd be able to do, then he was safe enough to try and expel Serhiy from his mind once and for all.

Alex started moving back, driving his bottom into Vict's front while Vict kissed the back of his neck.

"Do you want to?" Vict asked. He always, always asked. That's why he knew this would be alright.

"Yes" he responded frantically, trying to control the waves of fear and arousal that were washing over him at the same time.

Vict reached into the drawer of his bedside table for a condom and the lube they liked to use. He squirted some into his hand, brought it down and searched for the blond's entrance. Alex moaned when he felt the fingers circling him but, fighting against everything that told him to just let Vict do what he knew how to do, he stopped the older boy before he could begin stretching him.

"I don't need that today" he breathed out, pushing Vict's hand away from him. He felt the bed deepen when Vict hovered over him, his expression serious and determined.

"No, Alex. It'll hurt without it" he stated. Alex shook his head.

"I don't care. I want... I want you, just you" maybe this was what he needed to finally be able to let go. Noticing Vict's reluctance to agree, he emphasized his point by driving his bottom right back into him, eliciting a gasp from the other boy "Please"

"I don't-"

"Victor, _please_" Alex wasn't a hundred percent sure that this was gonna solve anything. In fact, his plan might even backfire, but he had to try. He simply had to try.

After staring at him for what felt like forever, Vict resumed his position, putting on the condom quickly and coating more lube into himself.

He didn't get to business inmediately, though. He laid behind Alex, embracing him and running a hand ever so gently down his chest, over his stomach and back up again. If Alex knew him at all, he knew Vict was gathering up the courage himself to do this.

Alex took advantage of those minutes to do something he normally wouldn't do during sex. He started stroking himself. Vict was taking too long and he needed something, anything, to keep himself more aroused than afraid of what was coming next. Alex's nerves were so alive with anticipation that holding in his moans wasn't something he was focusing on today.

Finally, he felt Vict position himself closer and Alex lifted his leg a little to give him more room.

When the tip of Vict's member made its way inside, Alex thought he'd actually be able to handle it. This wasn't so bad. But then the stretch became wider and wider and he knew Vict was large and he hadn't been prepared beforehand and his muscles were clamping and he knew he was resisting but he didn't want to and it was hurting and he whimpered, which made Vict hesitate.

"No, don't stop. Don't stop. Keep going" he panted, moving back and taking more of Vict in himself. As much as he didn't want to, his breathing was really loud and he couldn't hold back on a few complains that scaped him once Vict breached every resistance and bottomed out.

"Shh, shh. It's okay. I'm in" Alex noticed that Vict was trembling, or maybe it was him who was trembling enough for the both of them "It's okay. You're okay. It's me" had Vict figured out what he was trying to do? However it may be, Vict remained still, giving him the chance to adjust while he hugged him close from behind, Alex holding on to his arms.

But after just a few seconds, Alex began to move. He took a hold of himself once again and touched himself while sqweezing Vict inside of him. The older boy groaned, digging his forehead into his back until he couldn't keep holding back. Vict started moving too.

"You okay?" he asked, always concerned, always careful, always gentle. Alex didn't want him to be gentle.

"Faster" was all he was able to get out in between pants.

"Sure?" the other boy was breathless as well.

"Yes... move... I'm... sure" the last word got caught in his throat when Vict pushed him further into his stomach, pressing his body down enough that Alex's hand got trapped where it had been, unable to keep moving it.

Alex took as huge a breath as he could and just went with it. The new position was frightening. Somehow, it felt dirty. It was also hot.

When Vict granted his request, Alex felt the pain turning into pleasure ever so slowly. He moaned a long high pitched sound while he dug his forehead into the matress, pillow long dislodged from its place and his free hand reaching back to clasp the other boy's neck, needing that bit extra of connection.

He had to turn his head to the side, or else he risked suffocating into the mattress, which brought Vict's mouth directly over his ear. Vict started whispering things to him.

"You're amazing... the best thing...that's ever happened...to me...you're...incredible..." the more he talked, saying all those loving things about him, the more turned on Alex got, which was incredibly surprising since Alex tended to not be able to understand or even remember Vict's mumbling during sex. But his mind was sharper than it'd ever been and somehow he felt entirely _there_, and not just half conscious. He was okay.

Vict's pace became faster, the older boy clinging to him like his life depended on it while they moved almost desperately. They were both close. Alex didn't mind if it was quicker than usual. When his orgasm hit him, he didn't hold back, gasping in and then shouting out into the sheets because _oh my God that's so freaking good!_

Vict chose to bite him on the shoulder while he groaned his release too. Alex shuddered and trembled and twitched while he came down from his high and he barely even felt it when Vict pulled out of him to slump on his side.

Without Vict's weight on top of him, Alex was able to free his hand from underneath him and look at the pool of white gathered on the sheets. He nudged Vict to move closer to the edge so Alex wouldn't get any more of it into himself when he laid down next to his still panting boyfriend.

"That... was... fucking...amazing" Vict said, glancing leisurely back at him. Alex smiled and put his arm and leg over him, trapping Vict closer to him.

"I don't think I can do it again for a while" the blond said, knowing Vict would understand.

"Me neither" they laughed "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay"

They stayed like that for a while, neither one daring to break the kind of spell that had fallen between them, until Vict turned to face him and regarded him with excited eyes.

"Don't freak out..." he started, which couldn't exactly bode well for Alex, so he braced himself "but I may or may not be thinking that I'm starting to begin to maaaaybe fall a little bit in love with you" and then it all came crashing back.

_No. No!_ He couldn't be saying this today. _Not today!_

Alex stared for the exact amount of three seconds before he pushed himself off the bed, dislodging Vict's hold of him and trying, unsuccessfully, to hide the suspicious brightening of his eyes. Vict scrambled up after him, reaching him before he could completely leave the bed. They sat at the edge.

"What is it? Look, I'm sorry. You don't have to say it back. I shouldn't have-" but Alex interrupted him before he could continue with his frenzied apologies.

"That's not it" he said around a sniffle.

"What is it then?" Vict asked, putting an arm around his neck to force him to look at him. He did.

"I'm happy" _I shouldn't be happy today. Not today "_I'm really happy and I haven't been happy in a really long time"

"So that's good, right?" Alex shook his head but he didn't break eye contact.

"It scares the shit out of me! Because it's only a matter of time before something ruins that, or before I do" he said with finality. Vict put a hand on either side of his face and held it within inches of his own.

"I can't promise you we're gonna be together forever. I'd rather not try and pretend that real life is like a movie, but right here and right now we're good and we're happy and it's okay if you're not ready to say that you love me, but _I_ am. And I'm gonna say it while I have the chance and while we have the time. I love you. Right here, right now. I love you"

Alex stared mersmerized for a whole of two seconds before he crashed his lips into Vict's and pushed him down towards the bed again. Boy if he wasn't riding with his emotions today...

They were kissing, and Alex definitely wasn't crying. Definitely. And they were moving again, all sweaty skin against sweaty skin and Alex wasn't even thinking about it. He wasn't thinking about anything other than the boy underneath him and the fact that that boy loved him. He _loved_ him.

"I thought you said you weren't gonna do it for a while" Vict said, moving up to meet Alex's thrusts so their reawakened erections would rub together more.

"It's been a while" Alex said and laughed when Vict growled and attacked his lips.

They kept moving and moving and moving, content with doing nothing more than that until they were both coming again, holding into each other while they shook. Alex had never had an orgasm that close to a previous one. It was probably safe to say that he was spent. He chuckled at his own thoughts.

"How is it that every time we do it it's better than the last?" he asked, letting his head rest on Vict's chest.

"They say practice makes perfect"

"So you're saying the more we do it, the better it'll get?"

"That's eeeexactly what I'm saying"

Alex chuckled again.

He knew they'd have to get up and clean themselves up soon. Change the sheets. Drink some water and rehydrate. But right here, right now, there was peace and he wasn't worrying about anything else.

The only thing he could concentrate enough on was the fact he could be so open and accepted by the arms that currently held him. He was amazed at how much he could just be himself with Vict. And he was a mixture of terrible experiences and painful accomplishments. He liked sex as much as he feared it. He had hormones, just as everyone did, and urges and curiosity and feelings and needs and that was all okay, because Vict got it. He got _him_ and he loved _him_. Whatever mixture of crazy things he got going on inside his mind and body, it was all okay.

It was all okay.

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**There you have it! Getting this one shot out was actually pretty hard, BUT i managed to reach the 4k mark! So, that's good.**

**Now, this was supposed to be the two year anniversary of the time Alex was assaulted by Serhiy and some people was curious to know what had become of that particular bad guy. I'm not sure i'm gonna be bringing him back into the picture, specially because the next story is already planned out and it involves way too much stuff to throw in another variant, what with MI6 coming back into Alex's life. Did you catch the memory about Crawley trying to guilt Alex into service…?**

**So, let's say Serhiy's story line dies here with Alex finally moving on? Or maybe i can find a way to write another story involving him. A sequel of a sequel of another sequel? If there`re enough requests, i'll consider it.**

**I don't know if there'll be any more one shots or if i'm gonna start posting the new story. We'll see where my muse takes me.**

**Anywaaaaaaay…thoughts? Comments? Requests? Reviews? I'd love to know what you think of this one shot!**


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